A most shimmering flood

The soft and light green blanket that I was entangled in was pulling me deeper into my old twin bed as if it weighed 100 pounds or more. I shifted, anxiously biting my tongue and yelped in response. One sure way to tell if I was dreaming or not was to bite my tongue. I had the tendency to daydream and had been sitting in class, with my mouth still tangy from the taste of metal caused from biting a little too hard. I still remember the nightmare that started it all. I was being held hostage, Peter Pan style on an old pirate’s ship. It is always so weird with dreams how the strangest of scenarios remind you of something you’ve done before. The ship was a deep brown color with stained glass windows that I felt I had seen hundreds of times before. Faces of the crew blurred together with classmates I had. Every so often, I called out someone’s name who I was certain I just saw hogging the wall ball court days earlier. Just as the merciless captain with his crooked nose, black and soulless eyes and raspy voice ordered me to walk the plank, I froze. I started chewing the inside of my lip as a nervous habit and realized I couldn’t feel the usual tug. I bit down on my tongue, hard and still I felt nothing. Gleefully, I realized I was dreaming and forced myself awake.

Waking up was a struggle as I felt my blanket coiling around me even tighter. With all the strength my 7-year old body had, I wriggled my way towards freedom until I was sitting on the edge of my bed. Quicker than the blink of my sleepy eye, the voices started escalating. My mom and dad were fighting again. The sounds vibrated against the walls, so it was like I could feel their frustration. Pondering if I should go check on my younger brother, I stayed at the edge of my bed. My usually hungry morning tummy was soured by the nervousness I usually felt when they fought this loudly. I could only catch a few words here and there as I was purposefully trying to not pay attention, but regardless, I heard things like , “Why don’t you have a backbone?” and this seriously confused me. I knew my Dad had a back, and it looked like he could walk just fine, so what did my mom mean? I started to worry something might be wrong with my Dad until I heard the unusual sound of water splashing. Curious as to where the sound of water was coming from, I leapt out of bed to go outside. As soon as I reached the floor, I heard the splashing again. Looking down, I saw water up to my knees all throughout my bedroom. It was the weirdness sensation because I couldn’t feel any water. My legs remained completely dry. I immediately realized this was not ordinary water. I plunged my hand down towards the carpet and watched as the water adapted and swished around my arm. It was glittering with flecks of iridescent blue and moved slowly like Jell-O. As I pulled my arm up to examine this magical phenomenon, my arm was dusted in shimmering glitter, the same type as my favorite shoes. Rubbing my hand up and down my arm, light pieces of glitter fell back into the water, each drop making the faintest sound. It sounded like a faraway chime, high in pitch yet relaxing and beautiful.
I grabbed a handful of the water and started kneading it as I was used to with my stale playdoh. Blinking, I couldn’t believe what my eyes were seeing. I used my other hand to push my glasses up the bridge of my nose to remind myself that I truly wasn’t seeing things.
The floor beneath me gave way and I was floating, immersed in the abstract pool that surrounded my room. Lower I went, the light from my bedroom window fading with each breath I took. This smell was so familiar. I realized this magical water smelled exactly like my bathing suit hanging over my shower after swim class. Tinged with chlorine, sweat, and my tear-free shampoo. Sweet, and smothered in chemicals with an odd earthiness that just didn’t belong. I peered around, the glimmering water going on as far as I could see. A shadowed image in my periphery startled me. “Hello, Jessie,” the small figure spoke to me.
“Um, hi, who is it?” I choked out walking closer to the voice until I saw its face. “Pluto!!” I exclaimed, and ran towards my long lost cat.
“Yes, Jessie. It’s me. What do you think of my pool?” Pluto, who I hadn’t seen in months asked me. Last winter he was lost outside and we all assumed he found a new home but I couldn’t believe he had been here this whole time.
“I love it! How have you been? I miss you I-,” I began to tell Pluto until he interrupted me.
“I am excellent Jessie, nothing for you to worry about. We don’t have too much time here but I wanted to show you my new home.” Pluto eloquently stated. He had matured so much since I last saw him.
“How come I am not getting wet from this water? I am-” I said until the water started to drain. Pluto winked and trotted down towards the darkness. “Wait!” I yelled and as I began to walk to follow him, louder footsteps echoed all around me. Footsteps that were angry and impatient bustled towards my room and each step brought me closer upwards as the water gushed away. Surrounded by the comfortable embrace of this magical water was where I would rather stay, so many questions to ask Pluto floated through my mind. The glitter was starting to evaporate and I reached out to try and hold onto the possible adventure. I lay down on my bedroom floor and tasted the saltiness of my tears before I even realized I was crying. My door flew open and my mom, harried and angry was yelling before even meeting my eyes.
“Jess, what are you doing on the ground? You’re ruining your pajamas and oh Damnit! Jessie’s room got hit really bad,” my mom started blabbering. I tried tuning her and my dad out, hearing words every so often such and wondering what insurance was exactly.

Jessie Hyle 2017

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Losing or gaining, a confusion of time

The old clock stood still in more ways than one. Dusty and heavier than it appeared, it leaned against the cold aluminum wall seemingly frozen in time. The seconds hand hasn’t worked since its been here, it was more of a memory of what was than anything of actual use. If push came to shove, it could be fashioned into a weapon of some sort. Stolen from a ransacked high school, it didn’t even work anymore. Never mind it not working, it was an analog clock. Something many in the world had no idea how to read. Need to know the time? Check your phone, wall, or wristband. We didn’t teach children how to tell time anymore. For the past century, everything has been completely and unwaveringly digital.

The change didn’t come all at once. It crept up in waves, the way the water in the ocean flows with each pulse of sun shining down. Starting out small, the waves hitting against your ankles and you run backwards to admire it from afar. Before you know it, the tide has come up and the water is above your waist. You haven’t been paying attention and the cool and salty water envelops you in the change of the riptide. Before you allow yourself to become utterly encapsulated within the depth of the ocean, you push against the current towards the shore and finally feel the sand against you, collapsing next to broken sand dollars and forgotten kite parts. From this view, you realize how much less than a drop in the ocean your body sometimes feels. Turning around, you can see the broken down shack formed with aluminum walls and filled with strangers. You’ve ventured out on your own before and ended up here. Shelter, more than what was available before. Occasionally some food.

 

Time is now the most useful commodity between us. Money has become a thing of the past. We exchange time, memories, and experiences instead.

 

–To be continued

 

 

The person who stepped into your old shoes can be a surprising one

You know that person who makes you uncomfortable about your own gender? Epitomizes things that self respecting humans should not? I met that person, in the form of a woman while traveling last year. I had only been dating my ex for a couple months or so at the time and I was fortunate enough to travel with him. As we ventured through the lush country of Ireland, I learned more about myself than I would have thought. I was lying to myself that I was truly happy. I knew that I deserved better or more likely, should have been single as I was crushing on hypomanic settings in full throttle towards mania. We all unfortunately, in some form or another become “that person”. The  one who is ultra sensitive, overly cautious about their partner’s activities and possibly even checking their phone..? Yes. I’m not going to lie, I went through my ex’s phone. I had clear suspicions from my intuition as well as disheartening words from his best friend. Texts and emails from people he had met and planned on meeting. Briefly before we became “official”, as well as during. Photos exchanged, curiosity arose. He started keeping his phone with him at all times after I approached him about things I found. “So why exactly are you emailing these kind of pictures and explaining your work schedule to people online?” I asked. Upset, hurt, blindsided and feeling foolish. I should have realized it was time to call it quits then but I didn’t manage to find the gumption to break up with him until after my hospitalization in early August. 2015 was fucked up! Good ways and bad. I was assaulted. That was terrible and will last with me forever. I tripped on acid..a lot. So many fun memories forged through those times. I made and lost many friends and experienced a lot. Moved into a beautiful apartment, then moved out and into my ex’s place. Then, I moved back to this apartment! While I was going through a lot of tumultuous emotions, my boyfriend at the time and now ex was supportive and as helpful as he knew how to be. How can you help someone cope with that? It takes time. For me, it took some medicine and therapy as well.

Anyways, I do tend to ramble with my late night writings but this is for me and if you(whoever) chooses to read this.. That’s on you.

Back to this woman I met while traveling with my ex. She was older, around 10 years my senior though acted 10 years my junior. Silly, brash, and promiscuous, I could see a lot of similar traits in her that I have in myself. When she realized who I was dating at the time she was as cloyingly sweet as could be and said we seemed so in love and wanted to be invited to the wedding. We hadn’t even said the L word and our whole relationship ended up being a prolonged and helpful casual encounter with caring feels on both sides. I saw how she flirted with married, single, and engaged men and knew I had done the same in the past. However, with working scenarios, you should be a bit careful. Maybe not though. We confided in eachother and after learning about her past, I felt sadness and pity for this woman. Hoping she would find love for herself instead of seeking it in the eyes of horny men and women at bars who like what they wear when they have had too much to drink. I remember seeing her legs wrapped around him as we drank and danced at a club. Trying to be cool and easy going, I went with it. Seeing her unabashedly throw herself at a taken man left an uneasy feeling in my stomach and I ended up calling my best friend that evening. As my ex threw up in the hotel bathroom, I called my friend in tears. How could I allow myself to be treated like this? I’m not a second fiddle.. To anybody. We talked and I calmed down and did some journaling. It’s that golden rule. Treat others how you want to be treated. I work hard to abide by that but universe fucking knows I’m not perfect I can screw up. I never knowingly want to hurt people though, especially with how sensitive I am. I know how it stings.

As I was reading some Facebook updates of my friends on St.Patricks Day, I learned something. I knew he had moved on and that made me so happy. I am in love and have moved on and know I hurt him when I broke up with him. I was ecstatic to see he had met someone else.

My ex is now with this woman which is somewhat fitting now that I am writing all of this out. I needed to journal this and process this information as it affected me deeply during that time and now that things have come full circle, I feel that we are all with who we are supposed to find at this moment in time.

goodnight.. And good luck

 

 

 

 

 

How many more days until Season 6?

As the days pass by, anticipation for the newest season of Game of Thrones becomes more and more palpable. From the show we love of fantasy, betrayal, and greed; this synopsis of season 5 is all you will need.

The characters and their stories are vast, only one missing this season. Bran was nowhere to be seen during season 5 so we can only guess that he is going to make a huge and surprising appearance next season.

I’ll start up north, with the Night’s Watch. Stannis, with his anger and stubbornness, tries to get help from the Wall to fight against the Boltons. Seeking any type of man, he implored if the wildlings would travel with him and serve his cause. Mance Rayder will not bend a knee to Stannis and has worked far too hard to be free. The last thing Mance would do is to help a Lord, which is why his appearance ends right away. Stannis has Mance Rayder burned alive in front of all of the night’s watch and fellow wildlings to witness. Luckily, Jon Snow’s kind heart put an arrow through Mance’s. Displeased yet impressed with this bold move, Stannis offers Snow a chance to be legitimized. While he refuses this, Jon becomes the new Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. Janos Slynt gets executed by Snow and Tormund becomes Snow’s ally finally. Stannis sets out to Winterfell with his family in tow against Ser Davos’ better judgement. Gilly is attacked by two others and is saved just in time by Samwell with a bit of assistance from Ghost. Sam took quite the beating while defending Gilly and their love is finally consummated and Maester Aemon dies of old age at well over 100. Snow and Tormund tirelessly try to convince wildlings to join their side and fight together and witness the most frightening display yet. An army of wights(the creepy and skeletal beings in the north), go on a rampage and Kings of the Whitewalkers become visible and imposing to all. After fighting and killing a whitewalker, Jon is stabbed by his brethren at the wall. They leave him to die, no one could hear him cry. Samwell heads to Oldtown with Gilly and baby Sam to become a Maester.

Now down in Winterfell, things aren’t going so great. The Boltons have it and Reek is more dehumanized than ever. Petyr Baelish offers Sansa to the Boltons, without her permission. She is engaged to Ramsay, one of the most difficult and treacherous characters. Brienne, with Podrick as her squire are still honoring Lady Catelyn’s wishes to watch over her children and are following Sansa from a distance. As Sansa begrudgingly marries Ramsay, she also discovers “Theon” is alive but not well and now called “Reek”. On the night of their wedding, Sansa is raped by her new husband for Reek to watch. Bringing tears to the most cold of us all. Sansa tries to escape but Reek or Ramsay are always ahead of her and ruin her plans. Ramsay is legitimized by his father and has a brother on the way. Miranda, Ramsay’s former lover tries to wreak havoc on Sansa but fails, dying at the hands of Reek. As Stannis fights for Winterfell, he follows the terrible advice of Melisandre and burns his sweet daughter alive, sacrificing her to the lord of light. Once Shireen has died in front of her eyes, Celyse hangs herself. Charging downwards, the Boltons have the upper hand and slaughter many of Stannis’ men. Stannis was killed by the hands another, the one who was loyal to his younger brother. Brienne kills Stannis and Sansa and Reek leap into the snow, hoping to escape.

Tywin is buried and Cersei is livid for not having Tyrion to punish. Lancel returns devoutly religious and apart of a group called the Sparrows. The morality police, if you will.
Margarey, Tommen’s new wife, and his mother Cersei are doing everything possible to make each other miserable. Manipulation is at every turn between these two. Cersei takes it too far, and summons the faith militant in order to get what she wants. The sparrows judge all and lock 3 away. Loras, for being homosexual. Margarey, for supporting him and lying in court. Finally, Cersei for committing incest. Cersei will not admit her sins at first but finally does admit and is then forced to walk the streets of King’s Landing naked and head shaved, in an offer of sorrow. Walk of shame taken to a whole new level. Qyburn is still working like a mad scientist on what’s left of The Mountain. Jaime gets Bronn to accompany him down south, to retrieve Myrcella from Dorne.

Tyrion heads to Daenerys with Varys, with hopes that he can help her. Jorah intercepts these plans with ideas of his own to win favor from Khaleesi. He kidnaps Tyrion and they set off for Meereen. While passing through the old ruins of Valyria, Stone Men attack them and Jorah becomes infected with greyscale. What awaits Jorah and Tyrion is anything but a harmonious town and happy queen. Sir Barristan Selmy has been murdered at the hands on the Sons of the Harpy, and Greyworm was gravely injured. He was lucky enough to have Missandei nurse him back to health. With Drogon reappearing, Daenerys knows she has to treat her dragons carefully. She feeds Viserion a nobleman to show her opposition to reopening the fighting pits. She agrees that all must be happy so the people are allowed to fight as long as it is willingly. Jorah and Tyrion get captured by a slavemaster and Jorah sees a way back to Daenerys. He fights in front of her, killing men and bringing her a gift, Tyrion. Surprisingly even Tyrion says she should spare him, yet she exiles Jorah again and welcomes Tyrion to council her. With the brutal fighting pits up, Daenerys attends with Hizdahr zo Loraq, a noble master and her betrothed. While her heart and body lie with Daario Naharis, it is an advantageous move to marry a nobleman such as Hizdahr zo Loraq. While watching a fight, she is shocked to see Jorah back in the pits. A huge fight breaks out and the Sons of the Harpy attack. With everyone, even Jorah fighting to protect the queen, much blood is shed. Drogon flies in and she flies away from the scene and into a green and lush valley. As they are both exhausted, she sees and hears horses in the distance.

Arya is accepted into the House of Black and White. This is where they worship the many faced God. Jaqen does not feel she is ready to serve as she is still wearing Arya’s clothes and carries Arya’s belongings. To show she wants to serve and to honor Braavosi ways, she gets rid of all of her belongings and hides her beloved sword needle away in the rocks. Cleaning and brushing dead bodies becomes her new life for many days. Not knowing why, she asks but doesn’t get a reply. Finally, Jaqen thinks she is ready and takes her to show her more of the House. There is a chamber that holds hundreds and hundreds of faces, all of those that have died in the House of Black and White. After Arya humbly serves and seems committed, Jaqen sends her to watch a mischievous thin man who sells insurance. She watches him carefully yet comes across Ser Meryn, the man who she had promised herself to kill. She follows Ser Meryn and sees far too much of his illicit and depraved tendencies at a brothel in Braavos. Knowing this is her chance, she disguises herself and brutally kills Ser Meryn. When she returns to the House of Black and White, Jaqen asked what she had done. He appears to have taken his life to give one back that she stole from the many faced god and Arya becomes blind.

Jaime persuaded Bronn to come on his journey south to Dorne. While traveling, they encounter Dornish men and secretly arrive in Dorne. Oberyn’s wife Ellaria and her daughters, the Sand Snakes are wanting to avenge Oberyn’s death. Through Myrcella, they plan revenge. Jaime and Bronn see Myrcella and though she looks happy and in love with Trystane, try to take her away. She protests and then they are all accosted by the Sand Snakes. They get captured in the water gardens. Jaime and the Prince Doran agree to let Myrcella travel away to King’s Landing. Too vindictive to let this happen, Myrcella is poisoned by Ellaria with a kiss as she boards a ship with Jaime. As Jaime tells Myrcella he is her father, she interrupts and says she’s always known. As they embrace, she dies from the poison in his arms.

The army of the dead approaches the wall, who will save the realm?

03/03/2016… Excuse me?

It’s already the third month of this year! Wtf, time sure does fly. Been writing a lot in my comp books and need to focus more energy into blogging and getting my novella off the ground. This is mostly going to be a ton of rambling and disjointed thoughts.

I got a tooth extracted and lost not only the tooth, but possibly a therapist. I cancelled on her and haven’t heard back, I may have just gotten dumped by my therapist. In related news, I’ve been applying to volunteer for crisis and assault lines. There are a few places and programs that offer training in return for volunteer so I’m excited about that.

Went to get my eyes checked earlier this week. Good news is that my eyes seem to be stagnating. The prescription only changed a tiny bit so that’s great. My eye doctor is hilarious. Jason came in while I was getting my eyes examined to ask me something and he had a little bit of sass in his voice. So, my Optometrist retorts to him, “Not so pissy this time Jason!” Laughing while your eyes have just been opened with a flashlight is always the start of a nice day. I was telling him about my writing because he asked what I do. At first I replied, “I don’t do anything.” Then, I told him about my writing and some others projects I’m doing. He looks surprised then asked if I’ve had anything published. Somewhat let down, I tell him not really yet, some online publications. He then says, “Oh you look a lot like this other patient who has been successful in writing and publishing gay porn.” I tell him I enjoy erotica but that isn’t me unfortunately. We banter about porn and erotica briefly and then he recommends reading glasses in addition to normal life glasses. One step at a time.

 

Hope you you all have a great Thursday!

Misadventures traveling

We were young, cheap, and had a ridiculous time in the biggest little city in the world.
My close friend and I were extremely cheap and he found an amazingly cheap travel deal for us to go to Reno. We would have preferred Vegas but we figured we could still have a lot of fun and visit Lake Tahoe as well. Taking the plunge, a few friends and I spent less than $100 each on round trip airfare and 3 nights in Reno.
Even the plane ride was a frightening and unforgettable event. It was something similar to a Beechcraft 1900. Having the capacity to carry 20-30 people, it was a jarring and bumpy ride. I spilled my ginger ale on my lap due to turbulence and one man seemed to be in the restroom the entire flight so held my bladder for longer than I would have liked.
We finally landed and had optimistic hopes for our vacation weekend. While checking in to our hotel, we asked about the shuttles to Lake Tahoe. She laughed and told us they were all broken down and due to inclement weather, weren’t expected to travel anytime soon.
Sighing with disdain, we grabbed our hotel keys and needed to set all of our stuff down. We knew they supposedly has a pretty amazing and beautiful indoor pool so that was something to look forward to. We doubled up on rooms and they were larger than expected, starting to see the silver lining. As an exclamation of joy and relief, we thought of jumping onto and plopping down onto the big bed. It instantly broke, we ended up having to switch rooms and finally got settled in a room with a functioning bed.
A couple of my friends who came were photographers so with cameras on hand, we perused around the hotel slowly heading to the pool. Stopping every few moments for a photo opp, we made it to the indoor pool. “Now be scared,” my friend said as we posed for photos. Little did he know how right he was.
Definitely at maximum capacity, it was overwhelmed with families and hardly any room for us to wade in. People were wearing clothes and others were hardly wearing anything. Out of our group, not everyone was on board for this expedition. We meandered around the pool, doing extensive people watching.
We crashed hard that night and we’re excited for a new day of adventures.
As we explored the huge hotel while smoking cigarettes(you can smoke indoors here?!), we stopped almost everywhere to take photos. Young, slightly naïve, and trusting. My one friend set her camera down to check out the slot machine crowd and when we turned around, her new and expensive camera was gone. Consoling her, we decided it was time to eat. As I reminisce on this trip, all I can really recall is eating at buffets. We would stay for over an hour at least to absolutely get our money’s worth though. Loading up on shrimp cocktail, random desserts, and appetizers, we stuffed our stomachs to the brim.
A smell of stale cigarettes and old perfume permeated the hotel and somehow the town as well.
The next and final day we ventured out to explore Reno. Not much to see to be honest other than the neon sign exclaiming, “The biggest little city in the world”!
It was snowing and I for one was unprepared, wearing sneakers and carefully watching my step. Filled to the brim with casinos and hotels, we looked for more to see but came up with nothing. It was freezing, we were too far from the hotel and a little hungry as well. A bright familiar steakhouse called to us and we strolled in. Shivering, broke, and hungry. Out of the few of us that we’re there, only one actually ordered a meal. We loaded up on free bread. Laughing and enjoying our independence, we warmed ourselves up in the poorly lit steakhouse. After the disappointed waitress left us our meager bill, we paid and headed back to the hotel.
Not sure what we were all expecting, but at least we spent a lot of time laughing and working on getting our amateur modeling careers off the ground thanks to one photographer.
I’ve never been back to Reno since, but maybe next time will be different? I should go check out Priceline.