Starting to feel it.

So this is the year of 2016. Ten years ago I was a senior in high school, making grandiose plans about the future. Utterly naive about what would happen next for me.

I know New Years resolutions don’t always stick, but sometimes mine have. I was able to kick my habit of smoking cigarettes in 2013 due to a resolution! Imagine that. This year I am wanting to put more effort into my goals, happiness, and loved ones. As a people pleaser, it can be challenging to put myself first. That is something I am working on no matter what. Writing and expressing myself in all ways creative or kinetic.

Several nights ago I was in extreme turmoil over something I had done 7 years ago. Having Bipolar 1, I have had an exciting and devastating life so far. I’ve been so high during a manic episode that I acted in ways I never could have imagined. I’ve argued with authority figures, several times insistent that I was in the right. E.g; that going 140 mph on the freeway was totally understandable or that the $1500 for rent would better be used for clothes and animal supplies when I didn’t even have a pet at the time.

A very close and dear friend was hurt by me during a manic episode. The ruminating thoughts of those few weeks have lamented me for years until now. I’ve finally been able to forgive myself with the help of inner love I have for myself, forgiveness, and this dear friend’s amazing spirit. She told me to be light and I realized for many things, I haven’t been living  light. I’ve been heavily burdened by past mistakes, missed opportunities, grief, and shame. Day by day I am going to work on living lighter and with less on my extremely laden shoulders.

Less fear of what others will think, more actions and discoveries of what makes me happy.

Cups of tea, acts of kindness, laughing until I cry, crying until I laugh. My family has coined this word “craffing” or “craughing” to explain that feeling of happiness and sadness when you are laughing and crying at the same time. I live for those moments.

 

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First snow of the year.
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