After experiencing some tumultuous waters in my personal life the last week, much that has been hiding in the dark has become illuminated.
Tonight is a night not to be forgotten so soon. I saw different sides of people I love in both astonishingly scary and brave examples. As I was searching for the words to explain how I’m feeling, I came across an author Eric Hoffer. His quote, “Rudeness is a weak man’s imitation of strength,” really resonated with me this evening. Sometimes when we are scared or weak, we lash out at those we care about the most. Why do we do that? Is it because we feel we have less to lose since those who love us are required to always forgive? They aren’t.
Being around family can be a caustic, cathartic and confusing. Love that alliteration, but seriously. It really can be. Tonight I saw an extremely frightening disagreement play before my eyes in such a way I thought I was having a flashback. Some people just have an urge in them to fight, or be right. They tend to go hand in hand. Those who can’t accept fault or constantly pass blame usually end up in more disagreements. It is okay to be wrong, it is not okay to make others feel horrid because they don’t believe the same things you do.
My partner is amazing and really surprised me earlier for sticking up for me in regards to my mental illness. We separated for about a year succeeding a hypomanic episode which ended up turning into a true manic episode that lasted months. People are sometimes right in assuming that being with someone with mental illness is difficult. Believe me, I’m not
One of the hardest things about having mental illness(there are several), is how it affects those close to you. How my loved ones can see me one way and then completely other ways. I can’t promise I won’t get hypomanic or manic again, just as I can’t promise I won’t get psychotically or clinically depressed. My baseline mood is anywhere between a 5 and a 15 and that’s on a scale from -50 to 50. When I find myself slipping too far into either side I adjust my surroundings, medication, lifestyle and physical health to try and be as cognizant of this as possible. Getting back to how my partner really supported me, many people assume that since I have this mental illness I am an easy scapegoat. In turn, most problems could be or should be blamed on me. We are all human and have made mistakes. Living our lives full of fallacies and learning experiences. He stood up for me and it felt overwhelmingly relieving to hear that he knows how hard it is. That we both make mistakes but try to learn from them and don’t just easily put all of our problems into “Jessie’s Bipolar Box”.
My next entry will be of a more science fiction edge. Thank you for reading!