The person who stepped into your old shoes can be a surprising one

You know that person who makes you uncomfortable about your own gender? Epitomizes things that self respecting humans should not? I met that person, in the form of a woman while traveling last year. I had only been dating my ex for a couple months or so at the time and I was fortunate enough to travel with him. As we ventured through the lush country of Ireland, I learned more about myself than I would have thought. I was lying to myself that I was truly happy. I knew that I deserved better or more likely, should have been single as I was crushing on hypomanic settings in full throttle towards mania. We all unfortunately, in some form or another become “that person”. The  one who is ultra sensitive, overly cautious about their partner’s activities and possibly even checking their phone..? Yes. I’m not going to lie, I went through my ex’s phone. I had clear suspicions from my intuition as well as disheartening words from his best friend. Texts and emails from people he had met and planned on meeting. Briefly before we became “official”, as well as during. Photos exchanged, curiosity arose. He started keeping his phone with him at all times after I approached him about things I found. “So why exactly are you emailing these kind of pictures and explaining your work schedule to people online?” I asked. Upset, hurt, blindsided and feeling foolish. I should have realized it was time to call it quits then but I didn’t manage to find the gumption to break up with him until after my hospitalization in early August. 2015 was fucked up! Good ways and bad. I was assaulted. That was terrible and will last with me forever. I tripped on acid..a lot. So many fun memories forged through those times. I made and lost many friends and experienced a lot. Moved into a beautiful apartment, then moved out and into my ex’s place. Then, I moved back to this apartment! While I was going through a lot of tumultuous emotions, my boyfriend at the time and now ex was supportive and as helpful as he knew how to be. How can you help someone cope with that? It takes time. For me, it took some medicine and therapy as well.

Anyways, I do tend to ramble with my late night writings but this is for me and if you(whoever) chooses to read this.. That’s on you.

Back to this woman I met while traveling with my ex. She was older, around 10 years my senior though acted 10 years my junior. Silly, brash, and promiscuous, I could see a lot of similar traits in her that I have in myself. When she realized who I was dating at the time she was as cloyingly sweet as could be and said we seemed so in love and wanted to be invited to the wedding. We hadn’t even said the L word and our whole relationship ended up being a prolonged and helpful casual encounter with caring feels on both sides. I saw how she flirted with married, single, and engaged men and knew I had done the same in the past. However, with working scenarios, you should be a bit careful. Maybe not though. We confided in eachother and after learning about her past, I felt sadness and pity for this woman. Hoping she would find love for herself instead of seeking it in the eyes of horny men and women at bars who like what they wear when they have had too much to drink. I remember seeing her legs wrapped around him as we drank and danced at a club. Trying to be cool and easy going, I went with it. Seeing her unabashedly throw herself at a taken man left an uneasy feeling in my stomach and I ended up calling my best friend that evening. As my ex threw up in the hotel bathroom, I called my friend in tears. How could I allow myself to be treated like this? I’m not a second fiddle.. To anybody. We talked and I calmed down and did some journaling. It’s that golden rule. Treat others how you want to be treated. I work hard to abide by that but universe fucking knows I’m not perfect I can screw up. I never knowingly want to hurt people though, especially with how sensitive I am. I know how it stings.

As I was reading some Facebook updates of my friends on St.Patricks Day, I learned something. I knew he had moved on and that made me so happy. I am in love and have moved on and know I hurt him when I broke up with him. I was ecstatic to see he had met someone else.

My ex is now with this woman which is somewhat fitting now that I am writing all of this out. I needed to journal this and process this information as it affected me deeply during that time and now that things have come full circle, I feel that we are all with who we are supposed to find at this moment in time.

goodnight.. And good luck







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